Haunted
by Nancy on October 10th, 2011
filed under Breast Cancer Related
I’ve been having flashbacks to my mastectomy. The moments leading up to the surgery. Those few minutes right before they took me in when the breast surgeon was drawing on me and the full-on terror hit. I’ve never been so …. something? (terrified?) in my life. I think this is happening because my next surgery is this Wednesday and at my pre-op appointment my plastic surgeon was explaining the process and he said the words “I’ll see you before your surgery to check on you and to make my marks on your chest where I’ll be working”.
I’m remembering being wheeled down the corridors, sobbing. I remember the random act of kindness by some unknown stranger (I didn’t even see what they looked like but I’m pretty sure it was a woman) who reached out to me as they pushed me down the hall and she patted my arm and murmured words of encouragement. The kindness of the surgical nurse in the operating room as she retrieved a tissue and dabbed at my eyes as they put me to sleep.
I’m haunted. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. Do I want to be?
Here”s the gruesome facts (feel free to skip this paragraph). Wednesday they will be removing my implants and creating “nipples”. The implants will be removed under my “breasts” and that will be new incisions/scars. The incisions for the nipples will be crossing over my mastectomy scars. Then my doctor will expand the capsulated area where my implants go to make more room. Then he’ll insert tissue expanders and try to force the breasts closer together. If this works, then he’ll stitch my implants back in (making my cleavage narrower). Then he’ll do a little bit of liposuction under my arms. Surgery will take a little over 2 hours and is under general anesthesia. I should be done by noon.
If all goes well, this is the end and I can get on with my life but will I still be haunted? Only time will tell.
Am I fooling you?
by Nancy on September 11th, 2011
filed under Breast Cancer Related, Just Me
People say that I’m a fighter; that I’m strong but the truth is, unless I’ve got you completely fooled, then you already know – I’m not strong. Inside I quake like a big ole belly laugh. I worry. I fret and I remind myself that I HAVE to enjoy every moment of my life now. I put it out of my mind as often as I can but it still smacks me a zillion times per day.
I follow a group on Facebook called “Fight Like a Girl Club“. They posted this the other day: “Anyone who has ever gone through a serious illness has probably been told that they are ‘so strong’ when, in fact, that strength has been mistaken for a patient’s need to not inflict any more emotional pain on those surrounding them.” Stacy – Cancer Warrior” My response to this was “SO true. I’m not strong but I feel like in order to not be a burden to others, I need to put on a strong face.”
You see, cancer is a thief. It steals from you. It takes your innocence. There are all of these horrible things in the world that “could” hurt you but they’re not happening to you so they’re not real and they’re not a real threat. Then one day you wake up and the doctor calls and says “I’m sorry. It’s cancer”. Damn. Those imaginary, far-fetched demons are now pounding at your door. It’s real. They’re coming to get you. Paranoid? Maybe, but it’s true fear from a viable threat. It’s no longer a what-if. It’s a when. The last thing I want to do is cause my loved ones unnecessary worry so voicing these things are (usually) only done in my head. I can ponder the what-if’s myself but voicing them would make me whiny or weak. I don’t want to seem weak. I want others to believe in me and my chances of surviving this. That’s what holds me up when I get scared or overwhelmed.
Don’t be mistaken…. I “am” lucky. My breast cancer was caught in an early stage and my chances are good which makes it even harder to whine or voice my fears out loud because so many have it worse. Breast cancer has also become a very fightable illness . The science, research and the resources are astounding. That’s logic though and not what your heart is listening to. They measure my chances in 5 years time. My survival rate for 5 years is really good but in 5 years, my youngest son will only be 9. What about 6 years? How about 10? I’m only 42. I have lots of finish lines yet to cross. Telling me that my chances are good is… well, great! BUT give me something firmer. Tell me that I don’t have cancer anymore. That will make me feel better. Instead they say “What we have to worry about now is where will it show up next?”. See? It’s in my reality. I’ve been attacked by my own body. I’ve been violated by cancer. It’s real. It’s scary. I’m not strong, I’m weak with fear.
I have learned something very important about cancer. It’s not about what it takes. It’s about enjoying my reality. The “now”. It’s about appreciating what it can’t take from me. Appreciating my life is something I sucked at before but I am definitely getting better at it. I’ve always been devoted to my boys but now I’m present in every moment. I was the queen at tuning things out and now I stop what I’m doing to smile and watch them “battle play” or play hide-n-go seek. I don’t turn down a single kiss from my boys. I don’t care if they have a cold, I will not turn my face away. Cold or not, their kisses are worth more than anything. ”Sure honey, I’ll eat that Crabby Patty Play-Doh burger, yum, yum yum good”. If they ask me to wrap them in a blanket like they’re a baby… my answer might’ve been “not right now”, now it’s “Sure! Which blanket do you want?”
I’m a logically wired person but it’s hard to listen to logic when you’re presented with cancer. Am I scared? You bet. Is it written on my face? I sure hope not. The last thing I want is to cause them worry.
When you look at me and see that far-away look in my eyes multiple times per day, I’m seeing my kids growing up. I’m trying not to see cancer but it’s sneaky and butts in. I’m wishing and praying that if I think about it hard enough, that outlasting cancer will become my new reality. After-all, cancer wasn’t in my reality 4 months ago, sneaky bastard. You never know what you’re going to get and maybe, just maybe it’ll be something good next time. I’ve got you fooled. I’m not strong. I’m only a mom and I have cancer.
Expecto Patronum
by Nancy on August 14th, 2011
filed under Just Me
I’ve been rereading the Harry Potter books. I just finished The Prisoner of Azkaban (Year 3) and this is the book where Professor Lupin teaches Harry about the Expecto Patronum to help Harry ward off the dementors. I’m bored enough or curious enough that I actually looked this term up before writing this blog post and found on Wikipedia that this is a real latin term. It translates to ”I desire a protector”. Interesting, eh? :) Anyway, if you don’t know how the spell works (maybe you live under a rock!?) :D, you have to think your very best happy thought while casting your Expecto Patronum.
While I was reading this book and reading about the Expecto Patronum, I wondered… “what is MY happiest thought” , what would I think of to pull off a Patronum? Harry imagined things like winning the Quidditch Cup but what would I remember?
The easy choice would be the birth of one of my boys. Lord knows that especially after Ian, I was exhausted, in pain and emotional… but yet I was completely FULL of joy. Let’s just say that I don’t take the easy way out and don’t choose the birth of my kids. What else is a happy thought? Then this “happy shit” gets a little tougher.
Why is it that it is so easy to remember unpleasant memories and the happy ones seem to fade? It’s a struggle to find thoughts that I’ve felt were so wondrous that I have kept them in the memory banks. I could list 50 bad memories in the drop of a pin… it would only take as long as I need to type them out at about 65 words per minute.
Even when I think I’ve thought of something happy from childhood like the time my dad came home from the Indianapolis 500 with my Uncle drunk as a skunk and kicked off his shoes from the backdoor into the rain and had me retrieve them for him over and over; that I think “ok, that may have seemed funny at the time but if you really dissect that, it’s pretty sad”, LOL.
So maybe my memory isn’t what it used to be, or what it should be. Let’s try something a bit more recent (still trying to avoid all things that make me happy that are related to my kids). I used to have a great time going dancing in my twenties and early thirties (pre-kids). Dancing meant drinking for me though and that tarnishes those thoughts when I think of what an idiot and irresponsible person I was. To think of all of the risks that I took and all of the stupid stunts that I pulled, which turns that memory into something close to “shame”. In fact most of my memories from that time of my life are marred with stupidity. LOL I can pull several “happy thoughts” out of there though if I try to but I’m trying to find a “pure” happy thought.
I am not a depressed person. I know that I’ve had a good and happy life and this should be easy peasy but yet it’s not. The mind (memory) is a strange and complex thing. Maturity and wisdom often cloud our happy thoughts and find ways of tarnishing them with all the things that went wrong because of that happy thought. Happy thoughts are not a dime a dozen, only the bad ones are. These are the things that we should hold onto with an iron fist. Something to look back on in our old age and remember with nostalgia but they disappear too fast.
Expecto Patronum. I think I’ll choose……. reading. The books have brought me back full circle. They’re a “pure” happy thought. I love to read so all I need to do is remember a really good book and hopefully my Expecto Patronum will work for me if I need to defend myself against Dementors. If that doesn’t work, I’m falling back to the memory of the birth of my kids.
It’s Finally (normal) Friday
by Nancy on August 13th, 2011
filed under Breast Cancer Related
tonight is Friday night and I’ve got a headache. I’d be glad that it was Friday except that all of my boys are leaving for Arkansas tomorrow on vacation without me! I really wish I could go but unfortunately I have obligations I have to stay behind for. I’ve never been away from my boys for longer than a night (and then only 2 or 3 times). I don’t know what I’ll do with myself for an entire 7 days! I know I’ll miss them even more than I miss the rain (and that is saying something in this drought plagued state).
I’ve been on the Tamoxifen for a month now. My biggest complaint is nausea. I have a hard time as listing this as a complaint though because it’s helped me reach my first weight-loss goal. I’d already been working on losing weight before I started the medicine but it has helped me with the latest 10 pounds. I’m down 21 pounds. I’ll take it! It’s now time to reset my goal. I think another 20 pounds and I’ll be a happy camper (for awhile anyway). The other side effect that is annoying and a nuisance is the hot flashes. But I figure even without Tamoxifen I’d be having hot flashes in this 108 degree weather so what’s the dif?
Thelma’s (right boob) incision has FINALLY closed. I’ve thought this another time but it reopened. This time I’ve waited 3 days to report that it’s closed so I’m feeling good about it. I’m also getting less sore as the weeks go by. This isn’t to say that I can yet forget that I had breast cancer on a daily (or even hourly) basis but I am able to do more without it nagging at me. Someday I’ll find a new “normal”. It’s not today but it’s coming soon.
I do have one tiny worry… it’s in the form of a tiny skin tag. I’ve NEVER had a skin tag before and I know some people are susceptible to them but not me (“normally”). What concerns me is it’s right above my lymph node biopsy scar. I’m sure this is nothing but I don’t like it there. I don’t like anything that makes “cancer” jump into my head. Certainly a skin tag is just that. A skin tag. And that’s “normal”, right?
That’s my update for today. It’s finally Friday and I’m finally headed for “normal” (I hope).
My Bucketlist – Part 1
by Nancy on August 2nd, 2011
filed under Just Me
We all have a bucketlist of some kind. Perhaps we all call it something different but the end is the same. It’s things that we feel KNOW that we MUST do before we die. It’s not some morose death wish, it’s not looking ahead and counting our mortality. It’s just things that call to us and make us say “THAT is on my to-do list!”.
I’m a fickle kind of gal and my list changes often. There ARE a few morose things on it but mostly it’s just dreams and goals.
Currently my list looks like this (in no particular order):
- Live somewhere cool. Naw, make that COLD. Preferably cold and rainy! Like the Pacific Northwest.
- Go to Scotland. This has been my dream trip for as long as I can remember. But I don’t just want to GO to Scotland, I want to experience it. I want to backpack through the Highlands, I want to visit the castles and camp near the standing stones in Kirkhill Forest. I want to walk the streets of Edinburgh and run barefoot through the sands of Aberdeen and wade in the River Dee.
- Go to Sweden. Actually any of the Scandinavian countries would do. My heritage is Swedish, Danish and Norwegian and I would LOVE to
livego there and see where I came from. IF I could find any relatives that were left, that would just be icing on the cake! - Learn to play the drums. I ADORE the drums. It’s my hopes that of my 3 boys, one will want to learn to play guitar/bass, another the drums and the 3rd the BAGPIPES! My very favorite instruments. Momma would be so proud!
- Learn Kickboxing. Ok so it just looks fun and healthy. I won’t die sad if I don’t get to this. This is probably just a fleeting wish anyway. Ask me in a year and I’ll probably say “huh? I never wanted to do THAT!”.
- Disney – I want to experience Disney through the eyes of my boys. This one is a MUST. I went several times myself as a kid and I want my kids to see it too. What a magical place.
- Muse – See Muse in concert. Ok, an odd one but it’s hard to be near one of their shows! I’d really love to see them live.
- Take part in a Flash Mob. A MUSICAL one. I watch them on Youtube and they just make me feel all happy! I’ve joined a local Flash Mob group so I’m one step closer to making this one happen.
This is by no means a complete list. But these are the ones foremost in my mind. Do YOU have a bucket list!? Share it with me! If you blog then write about it and come back and tell me. I’ll read it and post it here for others to read (unless you don’t want me to).
Leashing in Thelma and Louise
by Nancy on August 1st, 2011
filed under Breast Cancer Related, Just Me
here is yet another TMI post. I hope anyone who reads this does so voluntarily and realizes that I seem to lack public filters. I’ve always been an open-book kind of person and didn’t think to change my ways when breast cancer struck.
I know it hasn’t been that long since my mastectomy and subsequent reconstruction but I hate my new boobs. I hate the way that I look in a shirt. I knew afterwards that I would most likely never feel completely comfortable naked again but I thought that maybe I could find some peace at least while clothed. I feel like I look flat chested. They’ve removed my uterus AND my boobs.. how am I supposed to still feel like a woman? What have they left me (besides ovaries that make me cry at the drop of a pin)!? I’ve started wearing makeup again for one. I haven’t worn makeup really since my 20′s. I hate it but I hate not looking (feeling?) like a woman more.
My plastic surgeon keeps trying to assure me that he placed the largest implants in that he could. The second to the largest that they make. Unfortunately for me, he doesn’t talk in cup size, he talks in milliliters. He said that my implants are 750 ml. That doesn’t mean much to me but he says that they only go to 800. Why am I SO flat chested then? Are they still trying to expand the muscles? I don’t think so. I think I’ve reached their capacity. My surgeon says that they removed 1140 ml’s from each of my breasts…. let’s see; the math says that Thelma and Louise are approximately HALF the size of my old ones. They’re the same width (circumference?) and I’ve got some cleavage but they don’t leave my chest wall by much. Well how in the hell do women get ginormic breasts when they get breast enhancements!? I just don’t get it. If anyone understands this, please feel free to explain. I’ve asked my surgeon no less than THREE times now. I’ve even seen other ladies who used my same surgeon and they have bigger boobs than I do. I want my boobs back. Yeah, right.
I’ve been thinking of this (too much) and came to the conclusion that having to constantly wear a flattening sports bra only makes things worse, not better. I’m not certain that the sports bra is even in the equation but it’s a place to start.
Yesterday in my quest to feel better, I went to a great bra store. They specialize in “specialty” bras. Things like the sexiest bras you could imagine for your wedding night to nursing bras… to over the shoulder boulder holders (not kidding here, they had one bra on their counter that took up the ENTIRE 3 feet! I swear it looked like mountains) and women like me who’ve had mastectomies. They fitted me for a bra and due to my WIDE boobs, I’m a 38 D. Not bad, right? Then WHERE ARE THE FRICKIN BOOBS!? I was a 38D BEFORE my surgery (or close to it). Thelma and Louise only spread from my sides to my cleavage. Why aren’t they cliff hanging!? Why don’t they interfere with me reaching over my dinner plate like they used to!? Anyway, I digress… they fit me for a bra, I bought it and hopefully with the absence of the ever constant sports bra, I’ll finally feel like I have at least a little bit of boobage.
Regardless of leashing in Thelma and Louise and trying to make them look like they’re really D’s in a pretty bra, I have an entire closet full of shirts that I can no longer wear. :(
Maybe it’s time for a yard sale.
Rain, Rain come this way!
by Nancy on July 29th, 2011
filed under Breast Cancer Related, Just Me
Wow, have I seriously not blogged since the 14th! I could bore you to tears with a play by play but I think I’ll keep it short.
I’ve been extremely busy. Perhaps a little too busy as I’ve STILL not healed on the right side. I can’t see my plastic surgeon again until August 8th. I was supposed to see him this week but just couldn’t get there. I hope I’m not doing myself more harm than good.
Tamoxifen is going ok. Sometimes I get a bit nauseous but aside from some night sweats, hot flashes and insomnia, my side effects have been pretty minimal. So far there’s no sign of my hair falling out! I REALLY, REALLY hope I’m not in that 20%. It could still happen but each day that goes by gives me some hope.
Thelma and Louise are still pretty disappointing. I’ve been noticing that I don’t fill out a lot of my tops anymore. I didn’t mind noticing that some were baggy but there are a lot that I can’t even wear because I have very little boobage. Surely, they’ll get bigger!? I don’t need to be Dolly Parton but I’d like to be Nancy. Then again, I AM still stuck in a tight sports bra so maybe when they let Thelma and Louise be free, they’ll show their larger personalities.
It’s been Hotter than HELL here. Or as I say in front of the kids, It’s Hotter than Hades! My doctor said that I can’t go swimming until 2 weeks AFTER my incisions stop bleeding. They just.won’t.stop! Hopefully soon. But I can’t NOT guarantee that I will not run outside and play in the rain if we so happen to get any. I’m beginning to forget what that looks like.
Anyway, basically I’m doing ok. Very little pain anymore (still flairs out if I move wrong) and still crossing my fingers that Thelma and Louise will “pop” out from behind the muscles more.
I think I’ll run outside and try to do a rain dance. Normally I’d say “it couldn’t hurt” but it actually might. If we get some of that wet stuff falling from the sky, you can thank me later.
Thelma and Louise Small Revision 1
by Nancy on July 14th, 2011
filed under Breast Cancer Related
Yes, the name stuck from my post a few days ago. I’ve referred to the new jugs as “Thelma and Louise”. Why? Heck if I know but you’ll get used to it. I did!
I didn’t think I’d get to blog today as I’m a little sore from my surgery. But I didn’t plan on not being able to sleep either. It’s 4:00am now and the moment I gave up was when I twisted just a bit in bed and YANK…. I pulled a muscle under my right arm (along my chest wall, I guess that would be “Thelma”). It hurts. It even hurts if I move the opposite LEG. Can’t give you an explanation for that one. Just go with it. 
Today (yesterday) Thelma and Louise went under anesthetic for minor modifications. We’ve been thinking that I may have developed an infection because the skin around my incision was bright red and hot to the touch. BUT the other symptom was that my wounds weren’t closing.
I had an afternoon surgery which should be banned. I was SO thirsty from the “no food or drink past midnight” orders but as they knew I would, I survived! I made the nurses aware of my iv sticking issues and skipped trying and asked the anesthesiologist do it. He only stuck me once! (between my knuckles, OUCH) but still, just once! Amazing. After that he filled me up with propofol, versed and fentanyl and I was out like a light.
He reopened the incisions. He did what he called a “debridement” and reclosure. He got rid of the damaged skin from my mastectomy, removed the glue from my last closure and then stitched me up… using, real stitches! We think I may be allergic to the glue that bound it together. I can tell you that it already looks better. Straighter (smaller) scars, no purple skin and less red. I hope this was the “Dr. Miracle” treatment because I’ve heard that Dr. M. IS the Miracle Doctor.
This sets me back a few days in recovering. I’m not allowed to “lift, pull, push” anything for a couple of days. Their examples were “children, pets and groceries”. LOL
I DID brave-up and started my tamoxifen tonight. That may be contributing to the sleeplessness as one of it’s side effects is insomnia. But I took a 10mg Ambien at midnight and thought that would do the trick. Nope. Then the muscle thing happened. Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy. I “Think” (I hope) I remember Robert saying that he could work from home tomorrow. Oh Please, Oh Please. LOL :) If not, it’ll be a video game and t.v. day! I’ll attempt to recruit the almost 14 year old to help. Either way, we’ll git ‘er done and make it through the day.
I think Thelma and Louise are going to be ok. They’re had their first revision (the next one is in about 2 months and it’ll be a bit of a bigger deal). I still have to take antibiotics and steriods for the next week but I think that is just a precaution. The gals are gonna be fine. They’d better be! I see Dr. Miracle on Friday for a check up. We’ll see what the maestro says.
Oncologist, surgery – a tamoxifen scaredy cat!
by Nancy on July 12th, 2011
filed under Breast Cancer Related
I’ve been stewing about my oncologist not wanting to “expose me” to CT Scans and her opinion that the best course of action was to watch my tumor markers. I didn’t feel ok waiting for symptoms to show up to hint that I was having a cancer recurrence. Yes, odds are in my favor that I won’t get cancer back within the next 10 years (less than 14% chance) BUT I needed something more than that. I needed to fight.
I’m a mom. A mom to young children. I HAVE to beat cancer for more than 10 years. I have an obligation. I have a responsibility. I have a strong desire; to be here when my children grow up. They’re my strength and my resolve. They’re my fight. I didn’t like being taken out of the fight without trying and doing everything.
I decided I needed a second opinion, so yesterday I saw a new oncologist. I did like my first Doctor…. I wasn’t sure she was the right one to be on my “team” but I wasn’t counting her out. When I met the new doc yesterday for the first time, I got the “warm fuzzies” that I needed right away and made the switch.
He is perfect for my “team”. He agreed with me that just doing tumor marker testing for me would not be the best, most proactive plan. He was the first one to let me know that my cancer had never shown up in my bloodwork so sitting idly by watching my blood for the cancer to recur isn’t enough. He reiterated what my first oncologist said that our biggest fear and the most likely recurrence (if I have one), would be somewhere outside the breast. Someplace much harder to treat. He’ll do one or 2 CT Scans on me per year to help us keep a better eye on it. My first scan is next Tuesday. He said not to worry about the CT Scan’s causing cancer. You need a LOT of them for that to become a concern. He’ll also watch my bloodwork every 3 months like the other doctor was going to and he took a draw from me right then and there. My first post-cancer blood draw (actually my first “pre-cancer” blood draw too!).
Instead of telling me to “lump it” and just deal with issues and side-effects that crop up he said to call him if I needed ANY help with any of the side effects. He said “I probably have a pill for that” and laughed. He was really nice and comforting.
He told me to go ahead and start my Tamoxifen…. I’ve filled the prescription and have taken the bottle out of the cabinet several times. I’ve looked at it, thought about it, but I have yet to take that first pill. It’s going to put me into a kind of menopause, I think that’s what people call “chemo-pause” and I just haven’t taken the plunge. Maybe later tonight.. or maybe tomorrow. No later than Thursday.
I also had an appointment with my plastic surgeon today, 3 days early because my skin around my incisions became very red and felt hot. He’s put me on antibiotics and steroids and tomorrow he’ll do outpatient surgery. He’s not convinced that it’s infected “yet” but that we’re sitting here basically Waiting for an infection because my incisions have not yet closed. This is because the skin/tissue was damaged or torn by a retractor during my mastectomy. He’s going to reopen the incisions, clean it up and then stitch it closed. Closing the door on infections.
Moving onward…
I’m a mom. Hear me roar!
Clean Car Forever More?
by Nancy on July 11th, 2011
filed under Kids
I LOVE my car (truck?). I especially love it when it’s bright and shiny and new looking. It hasn’t been that way in about 10 months and that is because I’m a mom. Being a “mom” is my excuse but perhaps not in the way that you might initially think. It hasn’t been a mess because I’m a “busy on the go” mom. It’s been covered in DIRT because I’m a mom with a pre-schooler who is TERRIFIED of the car wash.
The last time I tried to take my car to the car wash, I felt like the worst mom Ever! Nathan was stuck in his carseat, crying hysterically and his entire body was shaking. I felt SO bad. I reached behind me and held his hand as best I could until it was over. Anytime after that when the word “car wash” was mentioned, he’d start crying and begging “Please No Car Wash!, The Car Wash SCARES me!”.
What’s a mom to do? Drive a dirty car, that ‘s what.
This past weekend, Nathan made up his own mind that he was ready to try the car wash again. I explained to him that it was just like rain and the brushes were just “brushing the dirt off” of my car. He said “I’m a big boy now and I can go”. Daddy put him in my car and away they went!
Nathan held true to his word and Daddy reported that he did GREAT. My baby boy IS a big boy now! And is growing up so fast.
When he got home, Nathan said “The car wash was fun”! For all of you mom’s with dirty cars out there, there IS hope! Whew… Mommy gets to have a clean car again… forever more.
edited to add: This was supposed to be published yesterday but I forgot to hit “publish”! OOPS
